Let Evil Go.

I can't stop thinking about it, it is consuming my thoughts, emotions, and sleep. It keeps replaying in my head...the fear, the last moments for each for them, the monster that did this to them. I have even questioned humanity and whether or not we truly are any better than animals, but then I remember even animals would never do such a thing. I keep finding myself crying unprompted and in the most obscure places (my most recent episode was immediately after leaving Dunkin Donuts this morning). My heart is physically aching and the incessant pit in my stomach just won't let up. I continually try to hold on to the precious images of each and every one of their beautiful faces but these mental images keep getting tarnished by the horrid images plastered all over the media...yet I still can't turn away. Why? Why did this happen? Why these gentle souls? Why an elementary school?!  I just want to know. No, I *need* to know. I need to make sense of this so I can move on, so I can rest assured my own children will be safe when they're at school, in a public park, at the mall... The numbing reality is: I can't. There are always going to be evil people in this world. People that are broken, faulty, defective. This world consists of both good and evil, always has, and always will. It is critical we don't lose sight that most people are good. They are caring, generous, loving and that is becoming more evident as they days go by with the outpouring of these exact things to those that are suffering the most. As a parent, I cannot ask my children to live in fear, nor can I expect myself to continue to do so. If I do, evil has won. It isn't fair. If they live in fear and I deny them of their freedom to explore and see all the greatness this world has to offer, and this includes other people, than I am denying them of the most precious thing of all: truly living.

Until my last breath, I solemnly swear I will do everything in my humanly power to protect my children from evil, but the reality is I cannot be with them 24/7 so when I am not physically near, I will make sure they know God is. As the days pass, I am seeing more and more people come together, show support, offer whatever comfort they can-however great or small- and it is slowly renewing my faith in humanity. One monster did this. He was a waste of human material while here on Earth and this world is a better place in his absence. His actions should not distract from all the other greatness of others, including those twenty-six others that were killed. Each and every one of them have caused a town, country, and world to unite and come together. How many people say that they have had that type of impact in their entire life let alone in less than seven years?? They were each loved deeply not only their families but by those whose lives they touched.and continue to touch. There is no questioning their lives were cut far too short (by any standards), however, they have caused pure greatness to evolve from this tragedy. Complete strangers are hugging, working together, and offering something to one another that Adam Lanza was completely void of...love.

Adam Lanza was pure evil that walked this earth. His name will be forever associated with anger, grief, and disgust. What a horrible (yet rightfully earned) way to be remembered. He chose this eternity of hell for himself and deserves nothing more. If I can ask anything, please do not remember him.. Do not give him that. Let his corrupt body decompose and let him go, let his evil go...

Charlotte Bacon, Daniel Barden, Rachel Davino,Olivia Engel, Josephine Gay, Ana M. Marquez-Greene, Dylan Hockley, Dawn Hochsprung, Madeleine F. Hsu, Catherine V. Hubbard, Chase Kowalski, Jesse Lewis, James Mattioli, Grace McDonnell, Anne Marie Murphy, Emilie Parker, Jack Pinto, Noah Pozner, Caroline Previdi, Jessica Rekos, Avielle Richman, Lauren Rousseau,
Mary Sherlach,Victoria Soto, Benjamin Wheeler, Allison N. Wyatt.


These are the ones we need to remember, we need to live their greatness for them since they are no longer here to do it for themselves. Do one good deed each day for another human being for twenty-six straight days and when you've reached Day 26, start over. Give their short lives purpose and show their families that they made an impact and will continue to do so in spirit. When I leave this Earth, I can only hope to be as loved and to have made such a profound impact on humanity as each of these beautiful beings did. A rule of thumb I always live by (and try to instill in each of my girls) is: always leave wherever it is you go a smidge better than it was when you arrived. Albeit a hug, smile, or making someone else laugh. Each of these victims did that..and so much more.

They will be missed. Terribly. However, they will not be forgotten. Now, if you'll excuse me I have a good deed to do for the day...

God grant me the strength...

As I sit here and type this, I have a lump in my throat, blotches all over my torso (clear sign when I am upset and/or in a state of distress…BP skyrockets!), and I am fighting back tears (which I am sure will flow freely once I get into my car and am away from my desk and colleagues). What kind of world do we live in? More importantly, what kind of world did I choose to bring my children into? Who in their right mind decides to go into an elementary school and start killing small children? What waste of human material considers this a justification?! Surely, he wasn't born this way...

I have noticed a pretty steady trend over the last decade or so where kids are far more than just “rebelling” or going through that awkward “It’s all about me” teenage phase. Kids (and by “kids”, I mean anyone up to, and including, twenty years of age) possess this false sense of entitlement. They feel the world owes them and when they inevitably get forced to face the fact that their sh*t does in fact stink just as bad, if not worse, as everyone else’s… they go ballistic. They act out, they talk back to authorities, they make ridiculous demands...they go on killing sprees. When I was growing up, I took great pride in the fact that I was raised to respect my elders, do as I was told, and always follow the rules for if I didn’t…there would be less than ideal consequences to face. My mother never *had* to physically punish me because I knew she was true to her word and her verbal warnings were more than sufficient.  

You see, that is the problem nowadays, there are no consequences and parents find it much easier to blame society and/or the peers of the “problem child” rather than actually taking accountability that they effed up their kid.  If your kid is running amuck, not coming home until the wee hours of the morning, missing school, and is in detention more than he/she is in class… YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG! If you are a parent (and by “parent” I mean an actual provider/guardian not just some biological contribution to a human being) it is your responsibility to insure your child knows boundaries, knows the rules, has a moral foundation, and understand that the world does not revolve around them. In fact, they are no more important and/or special than the person sitting directly to their right and left of them (<- this includes all races, backgrounds, and disabilities). When my child(ren) act out, I reprimand her and redirect her by demonstrating the proper thing to do. I enforce a good education early on, I let her know you don’t talk back to anyone older than you, and you don’t interrupt when anyone (regardless of age) is speaking. Does this make me the World’s Best Mother? Absolutely not. Does this show my child that I care enough about her to set boundaries and guidelines for her to abide by? Absolutely.

I see teenagers walking around with LV bags, brand new $150 sneakers, and a whole belt full of technological gadgets…where the hell did they get the money for that stuff and, far more importantly, why do they thing they deserve it?! This is just another factor  that contributes to this culture/school of thought. If you ARE NOT working, you are not getting anything other than the basics (with the possibility of a very rare treat here and there). If you ARE working, your money is going into savings. There is zero reason for a young child to be walking around with the same material possessions that a grown adult that works a full-time job and pays taxes is, there is no reason for it. It has become increasingly apparent that kids are no longer humble, no longer appreciate hard work, and no longer understand the value of immaterial things.

All I can hope for is that my children grow to understand their actions will have reactions. If they want negative things to happen, act negatively. If you want positive people and things to come your way, be a positive person.  Love others the way you hope to be loved, place value on the things that are important: family & friends, and (above all) treat others according to the morals and values your father and I have instilled in you…even if their parents didn’t care enough about them to do the same.  Anyone that knows our "Target story" that happened a few months back with Mia, knows we don't mess around. She acted out and she most certainly faced the consequences and spent the entire night in her room as a result (don't worry, I did feed her dinner that night...in her room!). We have been to Target many times since and she clearly learned her lesson as she has been well-behaved each and every time since "the incident".

The CT shooting story is still developing and the details are gradually being released.. all I know is that whomever did this had to have sent up at least one reg flag at some point along the way. There *had* to be warning signs. Why didn’t anyone care enough to intervene?! No “average” child simply wakes up one day and goes on a killing spree. There is planning involved, there are steps to be taken (in the Columbine shooting, the shooters had been coordinating the logistics of “their plan” for months and had been demonstrating questionable behavior long before actually carrying it out)…where were those that had raised this monster? Were they simply convinced this was someone else’s problem? That it would merely go away on its own?! I cannot grasp any sense out of this entire tragedy and it shakes me to my core whenever I start thinking about it again. I can understand if your child is mentally disturbed and this type of behavior is more 'nature' than 'nurute'. What I cannot understand is why you wouldn't address these problems early and get the child the help he/she is so desperately in need of? If you can't "save" your own child, at least proactively try and save other peoples children from the danger your child can inflict on them.

I am going to leave work now to pick up my girls and give them extra cuddles tonight. My heart breaks for those that cannot do the same. May God grant their families peace during this time and may they get through the awful planning that awaits them during what should be a joyous time of year. I generally do not think God makes mistakes, however, I think one may have slipped by Him this time…  :*-(

Here kitty kitty...

After several months of planning, preparing, and anticipation we have *finally* added our two kittens to our family dynamic. Granted, they aren't the two original kittens we had set out on this journey to get, they are (I truly believe) the two we were met to end up with. After this entire ordeal (and I call it an "ordeal" because it was a rather emotionally turbulent, and sometimes outright draining, ride to get to this point), I look back and wonder if anything really happens by chance. I am leaning towards "no". No, it does not.

You see, we had two kittens reserved (and paid for) and they were scheduled to be picked up this Saturday, December 8th... one week and two days from their neuter/microchip surgery. No big deal. I mean, this surgery is performed on millions of animals across this world and is super routine, right? Wrong. Last Thursday afternoon, I received a frantic phone call from the breeder stating that one kitten did not make it and had passed away immediately after coming out of the anesthesia. A million thoughts rushed through my head: What are we going to do now?! Do we still want to get the other, remaining kitten?! And...(most importantly) What am I going to tell my kids?! I wanted to cry, scream, and throw up all at the very same time. I had a pit in my stomach over how I was going to explain this to my young children as they had met the kittens, held the kittens, and asked about the kittens every day since we made the decision to get them, and were counting down the days until they formally joined our family.




Mia & the kitty she was *supposed* to get (RIP)

 
After the initial shock and heartache settled, I pondered on what the best thing to do was for us as family and for the kittens we were longing to get. Ultimately, we decided it was best to tell the breeder we really did want two kittens from the same litter as that would help with the traumatic transition from the only home they have ever known into the home of two very rambunctious children that were deliriously excited upon their arrival. I opted to tell my oldest daughter that the kitten had to go to a different home because he bit someone (I think this pretty much solidified the fact that I am going to hell in a hand basket by not only lying to my daughter but lying on behalf of the soul of a poor, deceased kitten! Agh.) and she was okay with it. I emphasized we would be getting two other kittens and that they wouldn't bite and she would love them just as much once she met them.

Through all of this, there was one theme I couldn't help but take note of: everything happens for a reason (<- quite possibly *the* most cliche phrase that has ever existed..but still very true nonetheless!). This isn't the first (and I am 110% certain it won't be the last) time that the humbling reality that there is something greater calling the shots in this roller coaster we call life (although, it was one of the most blatant). While it still makes me very sad to know this poor kitten didn't have a fair shot at life, maybe I need to see the bigger picture and understand there were bigger things planned and that was His plan all along? I always find peace knowing there is a blueprint in which we all play a part in...however it scares the living bejesus out of me not knowing how short (or hopefully long!) my time-or the time of my loved ones-have in this blueprint of life.

When a dear friend of mine passed away in November 2004, I kept reminding myself that he had lived his life the way it was meant to be lived, died the way he was destined to die, and that he was with Him now and in a place where he would know no pain, hurt, or despair. While it provided minimal comfort at the time (grief is a powerful and all consuming thing!), it did help me get through the initial adjustment of not having my friend here anymore. To this day, I still try to keep this at the foremost part of my thought process... we are all just here and along for the ride while He is in control. We can either fight it, accept it, or embrace it. I prefer the latter.


I know you are probably wondering how the hell I went from a kitten dying after having his testicles removed from losing a dear (human) friend many years ago, but please bear with me and continue reading. I have a point, I really do.

Is there a greater plan for each of us? I can confidently say there is. Does it help me get through life's challenging times knowing that I believe in a greater Being? Without any hesitation, I say "yes!". Do I think it is okay to sometimes be angry and possibly question His plan when you are being tested to your absolute breaking point? If you are human, than of course. However, as long as you don't deviate too far from His path and remain faithful that everything will work out the way it was *meant* to be (not the way you possibly *planned* for it to be), then you will be okay. I am not one to push my beliefs on any one or try to force my faith on any one and I respect anyone that has a strong religious belief...whatever that religion may be (as long as its basis doesn't encourage harming others, of course!), however, it breaks my heart when someone believes in nothing. Isn't that a lonely and purpose-free way to live? Whatever the case, I hope I can raise my kids to know they are my purpose and that any bumps we may hit along the way, as long as we have faith, we will get through it...together.

Oh, and I can promise to continue to lie to them about big jolly men that crawl through our chimney once a year, a magical fairy that robs them of their teeth, and the brutal reality of losing pets. When they are old enough, I will explain to them that all living things go to Heaven and their souls never die. Until then, I will carry the burden of truth that and protect them from harm and hurting and let them know that there is a God and that is how I got so blessed to be their Mommy!


My heart!




My other half of my heart!



Brody & Woody Joldzic