On the way to work this morning, the Dixie Chicks song "Not Ready to Make Nice" came on and while I was singing away (and making quite the spectacle of myself but far too into the song to actually care!), my mind began to wander and GD popped into my head (this may have been the third time in the last six years he has come to mind so these occurrences are few and far between... just the way I prefer them!). For the record, I don't the timing of this was just a sheer coincidence...
Let me provide a bit of background for those that aren't too familiar with my family dynamic: "GD" is my biological father (<- that is a term that literally pains me to write because he so does not deserve the "f-word"... well, not that "f-word" anyhow..). GD and my mom were married for nine years and from that relationship me and my younger sister, Katie, were born. Mom fought tooth and nail to make that relationship work and it took all of nine years before she finally realized she was beating a dead horse (well, maybe not dead per say but definitely drunk and verbally abusive horse!) and had to get out. Mom got the courage to finally up and leave and start anew when I was 8 1/2 years old at which point we moved back to NJ as a family of three. Fast forward a year or so and Mom met Dad (my father, Rich) and he took us in as his own and showed us what a loving relationship is supposed to look like and gave us stability, security, and above all, a true father.
I never felt anything less than loved, wanted, and accepted by my real dad (Rich). I had an incredibly wonderful childhood and he set the bar exceptionally high for the man I was to marry. I learned how to love myself, I learned I was worth loving, and I learned what a real man is... someone that stands up and accepts responsibility even when the responsibility isn't his to take on. He is the best father I could have ever hoped for and he is the grandfather that every child should be so lucky to have. I would not change one, single thing about him. He truly is the prototype for what every man should strive to be and I feel blessed to have him in my life.
Having said that, I am not going to lie and say I was the perfect child. I had a lot of confusion, uncertainty, and even some anger from what GD had done (or hadn't done!). The fact that my dad didn't beat me senseless is still something I will never understand as I want to beat me senseless when I think about how I acted out at different times while growing up. Oh, the things I would have done to me. Argh. Anyhow, I shall digress...
They always say "hindsight is 20/20" and my case is no different... I can now look back and everything makes complete sense. As I matured, I developed a greater sense of respect for my Dad (Rich) because he stood by me through it all while others, including GD (aka Bio Dad) were no where to be found. However, I didn't always see things so clearly. If fact, for a while, things were pretty darn foggy...
From 8 1/2 years until about fourteen, I could not understand how someone could decide to have children (Katie and I are not his only children) and then simply abandon them. There were questions left unanswered that just ate away at me. If a parent leaves a child, does that make something wrong with the kid(s) or the parent that left them? How can someone be biologically connected to another living being and simply just walk away? What did I do wrong? Why doesn't he want me? Etc..
For a good part of my childhood, I blamed myself for what GD had done to us. I couldn't understand why he didn't think we were worth chasing and I was convinced there was something innately wrong with me... I mean, how else could a "father" do that to a small child? I know the mere thought of being away from my children for any extended period of time makes me cringe and feel overwhelmingly anxious. I physically cannot do it and it still puzzles me as to how someone else found it so very easy to do.These questions burdened me and I truly think they contributed to some of the bullying I later endured. I began to question my self-worth and my self-esteem took a nose dive... creating the ideal situation for a bully to prey on.
However, the older I got and the more I was able to fully understand GD as a person (getting a degree in Psychology helped too!), I began to see just how corrupt his mind was. It was a monumental relief to finally learn that growing up without his love, affection (and zero effort to see and/or make contact with me!) wasn't a punishment for something I had done (or didn't do), it was indicative there were far more serious issues with him. I wasn't defective and I wasn't abandoned because I was inadequate. The fact is, I was a vulnerable kid that was thrust into the harsh reality that the family dynamic you are born into isn't necessarily the family you are meant to be. Family is not defined by those you are biologically related to. Family is defined by those that you are connected to by heart, soul, and genuine love. It took a long time and many years to fully understand this and through it all, my real family was right by my side.
I guess my point to this entire post is that I have learned that everything does happen for a reason even if it makes absolutely no sense while you are enduring it. There is a greater plan for all of us and you have to have faith that it will work out the way it is meant to be, which more often than not, much different than how you thought it would be. GD may have contributed towards making me (I am still holding out hope that my theory of either stork delivery or immaculate conception proves true!) but he had zero to do with "making me". You are made into the person you are meant to become by those you surround yourself with, blood or not.
Until later..
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