I can't stop thinking about it, it is consuming my thoughts, emotions, and sleep. It keeps replaying in my head...the fear, the last moments for each for them, the monster that did this to them. I have even questioned humanity and whether or not we truly are any better than animals, but then I remember even animals would never do such a thing. I keep finding myself crying unprompted and in the most obscure places (my most recent episode was immediately after leaving Dunkin Donuts this morning). My heart is physically aching and the incessant pit in my stomach just won't let up. I continually try to hold on to the precious images of each and every one of their beautiful faces but these mental images keep getting tarnished by the horrid images plastered all over the media...yet I still can't turn away. Why? Why did this happen? Why these gentle souls? Why an elementary school?! I just want to know. No, I *need* to know. I need to make sense of this so I can move on, so I can rest assured my own children will be safe when they're at school, in a public park, at the mall... The numbing reality is: I can't. There are always going to be evil people in this world. People that are broken, faulty, defective. This world consists of both good and evil, always has, and always will. It is critical we don't lose sight that most people are good. They are caring, generous, loving and that is becoming more evident as they days go by with the outpouring of these exact things to those that are suffering the most. As a parent, I cannot ask my children to live in fear, nor can I expect myself to continue to do so. If I do, evil has won. It isn't fair. If they live in fear and I deny them of their freedom to explore and see all the greatness this world has to offer, and this includes other people, than I am denying them of the most precious thing of all: truly living.
Until my last breath, I solemnly swear I will do everything in my humanly power to protect my children from evil, but the reality is I cannot be with them 24/7 so when I am not physically near, I will make sure they know God is. As the days pass, I am seeing more and more people come together, show support, offer whatever comfort they can-however great or small- and it is slowly renewing my faith in humanity. One monster did this. He was a waste of human material while here on Earth and this world is a better place in his absence. His actions should not distract from all the other greatness of others, including those twenty-six others that were killed. Each and every one of them have caused a town, country, and world to unite and come together. How many people say that they have had that type of impact in their entire life let alone in less than seven years?? They were each loved deeply not only their families but by those whose lives they touched.and continue to touch. There is no questioning their lives were cut far too short (by any standards), however, they have caused pure greatness to evolve from this tragedy. Complete strangers are hugging, working together, and offering something to one another that Adam Lanza was completely void of...love.
Adam Lanza was pure evil that walked this earth. His name will be forever associated with anger, grief, and disgust. What a horrible (yet rightfully earned) way to be remembered. He chose this eternity of hell for himself and deserves nothing more. If I can ask anything, please do not remember him.. Do not give him that. Let his corrupt body decompose and let him go, let his evil go...
Charlotte Bacon, Daniel Barden, Rachel Davino,Olivia Engel, Josephine Gay, Ana M. Marquez-Greene, Dylan Hockley, Dawn Hochsprung, Madeleine F. Hsu, Catherine V. Hubbard, Chase Kowalski, Jesse Lewis, James Mattioli, Grace McDonnell, Anne Marie Murphy, Emilie Parker, Jack Pinto, Noah Pozner, Caroline Previdi, Jessica Rekos, Avielle Richman, Lauren Rousseau,
Mary Sherlach,Victoria Soto, Benjamin Wheeler, Allison N. Wyatt.
These are the ones we need to remember, we need to live their greatness for them since they are no longer here to do it for themselves. Do one good deed each day for another human being for twenty-six straight days and when you've reached Day 26, start over. Give their short lives purpose and show their families that they made an impact and will continue to do so in spirit. When I leave this Earth, I can only hope to be as loved and to have made such a profound impact on humanity as each of these beautiful beings did. A rule of thumb I always live by (and try to instill in each of my girls) is: always leave wherever it is you go a smidge better than it was when you arrived. Albeit a hug, smile, or making someone else laugh. Each of these victims did that..and so much more.
They will be missed. Terribly. However, they will not be forgotten. Now, if you'll excuse me I have a good deed to do for the day...
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
God grant me the strength...
As I sit here and type this, I have a lump in my throat, blotches all over my torso (clear sign when I am upset and/or in a state of distress…BP skyrockets!), and I am fighting back tears (which I am sure will flow freely once I get into my car and am away from my desk and colleagues). What kind of world do we live in? More importantly, what kind of world did I choose to bring my children into? Who in their right mind decides to go into an elementary school and start killing small children? What waste of human material considers this a justification?! Surely, he wasn't born this way...
I have noticed a pretty steady trend over the last decade or so where kids are far more than just “rebelling” or going through that awkward “It’s all about me” teenage phase. Kids (and by “kids”, I mean anyone up to, and including, twenty years of age) possess this false sense of entitlement. They feel the world owes them and when they inevitably get forced to face the fact that their sh*t does in fact stink just as bad, if not worse, as everyone else’s… they go ballistic. They act out, they talk back to authorities, they make ridiculous demands...they go on killing sprees. When I was growing up, I took great pride in the fact that I was raised to respect my elders, do as I was told, and always follow the rules for if I didn’t…there would be less than ideal consequences to face. My mother never *had* to physically punish me because I knew she was true to her word and her verbal warnings were more than sufficient.
You see, that is the problem nowadays, there are no consequences and parents find it much easier to blame society and/or the peers of the “problem child” rather than actually taking accountability that they effed up their kid. If your kid is running amuck, not coming home until the wee hours of the morning, missing school, and is in detention more than he/she is in class… YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG! If you are a parent (and by “parent” I mean an actual provider/guardian not just some biological contribution to a human being) it is your responsibility to insure your child knows boundaries, knows the rules, has a moral foundation, and understand that the world does not revolve around them. In fact, they are no more important and/or special than the person sitting directly to their right and left of them (<- this includes all races, backgrounds, and disabilities). When my child(ren) act out, I reprimand her and redirect her by demonstrating the proper thing to do. I enforce a good education early on, I let her know you don’t talk back to anyone older than you, and you don’t interrupt when anyone (regardless of age) is speaking. Does this make me the World’s Best Mother? Absolutely not. Does this show my child that I care enough about her to set boundaries and guidelines for her to abide by? Absolutely.
I see teenagers walking around with LV bags, brand new $150 sneakers, and a whole belt full of technological gadgets…where the hell did they get the money for that stuff and, far more importantly, why do they thing they deserve it?! This is just another factor that contributes to this culture/school of thought. If you ARE NOT working, you are not getting anything other than the basics (with the possibility of a very rare treat here and there). If you ARE working, your money is going into savings. There is zero reason for a young child to be walking around with the same material possessions that a grown adult that works a full-time job and pays taxes is, there is no reason for it. It has become increasingly apparent that kids are no longer humble, no longer appreciate hard work, and no longer understand the value of immaterial things.
All I can hope for is that my children grow to understand their actions will have reactions. If they want negative things to happen, act negatively. If you want positive people and things to come your way, be a positive person. Love others the way you hope to be loved, place value on the things that are important: family & friends, and (above all) treat others according to the morals and values your father and I have instilled in you…even if their parents didn’t care enough about them to do the same. Anyone that knows our "Target story" that happened a few months back with Mia, knows we don't mess around. She acted out and she most certainly faced the consequences and spent the entire night in her room as a result (don't worry, I did feed her dinner that night...in her room!). We have been to Target many times since and she clearly learned her lesson as she has been well-behaved each and every time since "the incident".
The CT shooting story is still developing and the details are gradually being released.. all I know is that whomever did this had to have sent up at least one reg flag at some point along the way. There *had* to be warning signs. Why didn’t anyone care enough to intervene?! No “average” child simply wakes up one day and goes on a killing spree. There is planning involved, there are steps to be taken (in the Columbine shooting, the shooters had been coordinating the logistics of “their plan” for months and had been demonstrating questionable behavior long before actually carrying it out)…where were those that had raised this monster? Were they simply convinced this was someone else’s problem? That it would merely go away on its own?! I cannot grasp any sense out of this entire tragedy and it shakes me to my core whenever I start thinking about it again. I can understand if your child is mentally disturbed and this type of behavior is more 'nature' than 'nurute'. What I cannot understand is why you wouldn't address these problems early and get the child the help he/she is so desperately in need of? If you can't "save" your own child, at least proactively try and save other peoples children from the danger your child can inflict on them.
I am going to leave work now to pick up my girls and give them extra cuddles tonight. My heart breaks for those that cannot do the same. May God grant their families peace during this time and may they get through the awful planning that awaits them during what should be a joyous time of year. I generally do not think God makes mistakes, however, I think one may have slipped by Him this time… :*-(
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Here kitty kitty...
After several months of planning, preparing, and anticipation we have *finally* added our two kittens to our family dynamic. Granted, they aren't the two original kittens we had set out on this journey to get, they are (I truly believe) the two we were met to end up with. After this entire ordeal (and I call it an "ordeal" because it was a rather emotionally turbulent, and sometimes outright draining, ride to get to this point), I look back and wonder if anything really happens by chance. I am leaning towards "no". No, it does not.
You see, we had two kittens reserved (and paid for) and they were scheduled to be picked up this Saturday, December 8th... one week and two days from their neuter/microchip surgery. No big deal. I mean, this surgery is performed on millions of animals across this world and is super routine, right? Wrong. Last Thursday afternoon, I received a frantic phone call from the breeder stating that one kitten did not make it and had passed away immediately after coming out of the anesthesia. A million thoughts rushed through my head: What are we going to do now?! Do we still want to get the other, remaining kitten?! And...(most importantly) What am I going to tell my kids?! I wanted to cry, scream, and throw up all at the very same time. I had a pit in my stomach over how I was going to explain this to my young children as they had met the kittens, held the kittens, and asked about the kittens every day since we made the decision to get them, and were counting down the days until they formally joined our family.
After the initial shock and heartache settled, I pondered on what the best thing to do was for us as family and for the kittens we were longing to get. Ultimately, we decided it was best to tell the breeder we really did want two kittens from the same litter as that would help with the traumatic transition from the only home they have ever known into the home of two very rambunctious children that were deliriously excited upon their arrival. I opted to tell my oldest daughter that the kitten had to go to a different home because he bit someone (I think this pretty much solidified the fact that I am going to hell in a hand basket by not only lying to my daughter but lying on behalf of the soul of a poor, deceased kitten! Agh.) and she was okay with it. I emphasized we would be getting two other kittens and that they wouldn't bite and she would love them just as much once she met them.
Through all of this, there was one theme I couldn't help but take note of: everything happens for a reason (<- quite possibly *the* most cliche phrase that has ever existed..but still very true nonetheless!). This isn't the first (and I am 110% certain it won't be the last) time that the humbling reality that there is something greater calling the shots in this roller coaster we call life (although, it was one of the most blatant). While it still makes me very sad to know this poor kitten didn't have a fair shot at life, maybe I need to see the bigger picture and understand there were bigger things planned and that was His plan all along? I always find peace knowing there is a blueprint in which we all play a part in...however it scares the living bejesus out of me not knowing how short (or hopefully long!) my time-or the time of my loved ones-have in this blueprint of life.
When a dear friend of mine passed away in November 2004, I kept reminding myself that he had lived his life the way it was meant to be lived, died the way he was destined to die, and that he was with Him now and in a place where he would know no pain, hurt, or despair. While it provided minimal comfort at the time (grief is a powerful and all consuming thing!), it did help me get through the initial adjustment of not having my friend here anymore. To this day, I still try to keep this at the foremost part of my thought process... we are all just here and along for the ride while He is in control. We can either fight it, accept it, or embrace it. I prefer the latter.
I know you are probably wondering how the hell I went from a kitten dying after having his testicles removed from losing a dear (human) friend many years ago, but please bear with me and continue reading. I have a point, I really do.
Is there a greater plan for each of us? I can confidently say there is. Does it help me get through life's challenging times knowing that I believe in a greater Being? Without any hesitation, I say "yes!". Do I think it is okay to sometimes be angry and possibly question His plan when you are being tested to your absolute breaking point? If you are human, than of course. However, as long as you don't deviate too far from His path and remain faithful that everything will work out the way it was *meant* to be (not the way you possibly *planned* for it to be), then you will be okay. I am not one to push my beliefs on any one or try to force my faith on any one and I respect anyone that has a strong religious belief...whatever that religion may be (as long as its basis doesn't encourage harming others, of course!), however, it breaks my heart when someone believes in nothing. Isn't that a lonely and purpose-free way to live? Whatever the case, I hope I can raise my kids to know they are my purpose and that any bumps we may hit along the way, as long as we have faith, we will get through it...together.
Oh, and I can promise to continue to lie to them about big jolly men that crawl through our chimney once a year, a magical fairy that robs them of their teeth, and the brutal reality of losing pets. When they are old enough, I will explain to them that all living things go to Heaven and their souls never die. Until then, I will carry the burden of truth that and protect them from harm and hurting and let them know that there is a God and that is how I got so blessed to be their Mommy!
You see, we had two kittens reserved (and paid for) and they were scheduled to be picked up this Saturday, December 8th... one week and two days from their neuter/microchip surgery. No big deal. I mean, this surgery is performed on millions of animals across this world and is super routine, right? Wrong. Last Thursday afternoon, I received a frantic phone call from the breeder stating that one kitten did not make it and had passed away immediately after coming out of the anesthesia. A million thoughts rushed through my head: What are we going to do now?! Do we still want to get the other, remaining kitten?! And...(most importantly) What am I going to tell my kids?! I wanted to cry, scream, and throw up all at the very same time. I had a pit in my stomach over how I was going to explain this to my young children as they had met the kittens, held the kittens, and asked about the kittens every day since we made the decision to get them, and were counting down the days until they formally joined our family.
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| Mia & the kitty she was *supposed* to get (RIP) |
After the initial shock and heartache settled, I pondered on what the best thing to do was for us as family and for the kittens we were longing to get. Ultimately, we decided it was best to tell the breeder we really did want two kittens from the same litter as that would help with the traumatic transition from the only home they have ever known into the home of two very rambunctious children that were deliriously excited upon their arrival. I opted to tell my oldest daughter that the kitten had to go to a different home because he bit someone (I think this pretty much solidified the fact that I am going to hell in a hand basket by not only lying to my daughter but lying on behalf of the soul of a poor, deceased kitten! Agh.) and she was okay with it. I emphasized we would be getting two other kittens and that they wouldn't bite and she would love them just as much once she met them.
Through all of this, there was one theme I couldn't help but take note of: everything happens for a reason (<- quite possibly *the* most cliche phrase that has ever existed..but still very true nonetheless!). This isn't the first (and I am 110% certain it won't be the last) time that the humbling reality that there is something greater calling the shots in this roller coaster we call life (although, it was one of the most blatant). While it still makes me very sad to know this poor kitten didn't have a fair shot at life, maybe I need to see the bigger picture and understand there were bigger things planned and that was His plan all along? I always find peace knowing there is a blueprint in which we all play a part in...however it scares the living bejesus out of me not knowing how short (or hopefully long!) my time-or the time of my loved ones-have in this blueprint of life.
When a dear friend of mine passed away in November 2004, I kept reminding myself that he had lived his life the way it was meant to be lived, died the way he was destined to die, and that he was with Him now and in a place where he would know no pain, hurt, or despair. While it provided minimal comfort at the time (grief is a powerful and all consuming thing!), it did help me get through the initial adjustment of not having my friend here anymore. To this day, I still try to keep this at the foremost part of my thought process... we are all just here and along for the ride while He is in control. We can either fight it, accept it, or embrace it. I prefer the latter.
I know you are probably wondering how the hell I went from a kitten dying after having his testicles removed from losing a dear (human) friend many years ago, but please bear with me and continue reading. I have a point, I really do.
Is there a greater plan for each of us? I can confidently say there is. Does it help me get through life's challenging times knowing that I believe in a greater Being? Without any hesitation, I say "yes!". Do I think it is okay to sometimes be angry and possibly question His plan when you are being tested to your absolute breaking point? If you are human, than of course. However, as long as you don't deviate too far from His path and remain faithful that everything will work out the way it was *meant* to be (not the way you possibly *planned* for it to be), then you will be okay. I am not one to push my beliefs on any one or try to force my faith on any one and I respect anyone that has a strong religious belief...whatever that religion may be (as long as its basis doesn't encourage harming others, of course!), however, it breaks my heart when someone believes in nothing. Isn't that a lonely and purpose-free way to live? Whatever the case, I hope I can raise my kids to know they are my purpose and that any bumps we may hit along the way, as long as we have faith, we will get through it...together.
Oh, and I can promise to continue to lie to them about big jolly men that crawl through our chimney once a year, a magical fairy that robs them of their teeth, and the brutal reality of losing pets. When they are old enough, I will explain to them that all living things go to Heaven and their souls never die. Until then, I will carry the burden of truth that and protect them from harm and hurting and let them know that there is a God and that is how I got so blessed to be their Mommy!
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| My heart! |
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| My other half of my heart! |
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| Brody & Woody Joldzic |
Monday, November 26, 2012
I like my men to have necks...
I keep seeing more and more marriages ending in divorce and I can't help but wonder if these people went into marriage thinking they could change the person they were about to marry into the person they wanted to marry *or* did the marriage itself change those that went into it? I am not sure which scenario is worse but both cases are incredibly upsetting. Do you just wake up one morning and realize you hate the person that has been laying next to you all these years? Do you find it damn near impossible to suppress the urge to suffocate him or her with the body-sized pillow at the foot of your bed? I don't get it, I really don't and, quite honestly, I truly hope I never do.
Don't get me wrong, I have said my fair share of pretty hurtful things and I can get downright nasty when my husband and I argue (I know, I know... it is hard to believe that little ol' me could be anything less than angelic *cough cough*). However, when it comes down to it, the thought of waking up one morning and him not being there makes my stomach cringe. I want to vomit. How do you stop loving someone that you have built a life with? How do you walk away from the house you have built into a home? I am not saying it can't happen, because it clearly does. What I am saying is that is scares me sh*tless that I don't understand what the driving factors are that lead up to it. A great portion of my family has either been on the brink of divorce or has actually gone through with it and, in most cases, it was the best thing for everyone involved. However, is that something that built up over time until it ultimately broke them and they needed a permanent relief or was it something that was there all along and just denied?
There are days that I wonder how I made it twenty-four years without Mirko in my life and there are other days that I am grateful I did because it allowed me to see how wonderful he is (in comparison to the many meat-headed d-bags I dated prior to him!). Two things I learned from this? 1. I like my men to have necks, it gives them character and 2. You need to love and respect yourself before you can offer either to a relationship. No relationship will complete you, you need to be complete before you even approach it. A true, healthy relationship will compliment, not complete you.
I suppose the possibilities truly run the gamete and the reasons for divorce really can be attributed to an endless list of factors. However, I have started to see the trend of people that go into marriage thinking "if this doesn't work, we can just get divorced". It isn't something that should be taken so lightly and if you are not 110% on it, don't do it. Life doesn't offer guarantees and, quite frankly, I know many people that are married that probably shouldn't be but I think it is a result of one, or both, parties falling out of love and being indifferent to the relationship. The worse thing anyone can be is indifferent to something and/or someone. Once you have stopped caring altogether, irreparable damage has been done.
Marriage is not easy, I know this firsthand. It isn't something that "just works". You aren't going to wake up every day content with the relationship and there are days where you may not even speak to one another. However, I didn't go into this expecting those things. I was realistic when I said "I do" and I was prepared for tough times and for some seriously heated arguments (and the seriously heated make-ups *wink wink*). I am not naive and am fully aware that I could end up as 60% of the population has years from now, however, I won't go down without a fight and giving it my all. I didn't enter this marriage with divorce as an option, I entered it with the intent of beginning a life with my best friend and partner for life.. If something isn't working, we fix it. We work with one another and we find a solution. End of story.
I am not judging those that have given it their all and the marriage simply does not work but I am judging those that treat this fragile commitment with such carelessness and disregard. There are obvious exceptions (abuse, infidelity, etc.) to my feelings on this entire thing but it makes me sad to know that some people walked away from something that is so great without giving it a wholehearted attempt at making it work. To those that know my story and the terms in which Mirko and I met, you know it truly was a whirlwind and "one for the books" and some may have viewed it as "rushing in" but eight years, two kids, two houses, and three jobs later, here we are and I would not change one, single thing. I love the man I married, I love the life we have created, and I love the fact he "gets me"... and still wants to be with me for as long as God sees fit! ;-)
Until later...
Don't get me wrong, I have said my fair share of pretty hurtful things and I can get downright nasty when my husband and I argue (I know, I know... it is hard to believe that little ol' me could be anything less than angelic *cough cough*). However, when it comes down to it, the thought of waking up one morning and him not being there makes my stomach cringe. I want to vomit. How do you stop loving someone that you have built a life with? How do you walk away from the house you have built into a home? I am not saying it can't happen, because it clearly does. What I am saying is that is scares me sh*tless that I don't understand what the driving factors are that lead up to it. A great portion of my family has either been on the brink of divorce or has actually gone through with it and, in most cases, it was the best thing for everyone involved. However, is that something that built up over time until it ultimately broke them and they needed a permanent relief or was it something that was there all along and just denied?
There are days that I wonder how I made it twenty-four years without Mirko in my life and there are other days that I am grateful I did because it allowed me to see how wonderful he is (in comparison to the many meat-headed d-bags I dated prior to him!). Two things I learned from this? 1. I like my men to have necks, it gives them character and 2. You need to love and respect yourself before you can offer either to a relationship. No relationship will complete you, you need to be complete before you even approach it. A true, healthy relationship will compliment, not complete you.
I suppose the possibilities truly run the gamete and the reasons for divorce really can be attributed to an endless list of factors. However, I have started to see the trend of people that go into marriage thinking "if this doesn't work, we can just get divorced". It isn't something that should be taken so lightly and if you are not 110% on it, don't do it. Life doesn't offer guarantees and, quite frankly, I know many people that are married that probably shouldn't be but I think it is a result of one, or both, parties falling out of love and being indifferent to the relationship. The worse thing anyone can be is indifferent to something and/or someone. Once you have stopped caring altogether, irreparable damage has been done.
Marriage is not easy, I know this firsthand. It isn't something that "just works". You aren't going to wake up every day content with the relationship and there are days where you may not even speak to one another. However, I didn't go into this expecting those things. I was realistic when I said "I do" and I was prepared for tough times and for some seriously heated arguments (and the seriously heated make-ups *wink wink*). I am not naive and am fully aware that I could end up as 60% of the population has years from now, however, I won't go down without a fight and giving it my all. I didn't enter this marriage with divorce as an option, I entered it with the intent of beginning a life with my best friend and partner for life.. If something isn't working, we fix it. We work with one another and we find a solution. End of story.
I am not judging those that have given it their all and the marriage simply does not work but I am judging those that treat this fragile commitment with such carelessness and disregard. There are obvious exceptions (abuse, infidelity, etc.) to my feelings on this entire thing but it makes me sad to know that some people walked away from something that is so great without giving it a wholehearted attempt at making it work. To those that know my story and the terms in which Mirko and I met, you know it truly was a whirlwind and "one for the books" and some may have viewed it as "rushing in" but eight years, two kids, two houses, and three jobs later, here we are and I would not change one, single thing. I love the man I married, I love the life we have created, and I love the fact he "gets me"... and still wants to be with me for as long as God sees fit! ;-)
Until later...
Friday, November 9, 2012
Who needs kegals? Try a hurricane!
The last two weeks have been brutal (<- quite possibly the world's largest understatement!). However, I try to take every experience and turn it into a learning experience. This being said, I have discovered the following:
1. I like cereal with milk more than I dislike lactose intolerance.
2. With enough wine and/or vodka, you tend to forget you don't have electricity... and after the third drink in, you act as your own personal heater. Win-win!
3. Electric companies can be both your worst enemy and your most favorite thing in the world... simultaneously. Kind of like your period (<-any woman reading this will know what I am talking about and any guy reading this just inadvertantly *shuddered*!)
4. I hate hurricanes. Like, really 'hate' in all senses of the word. In fact, I now hate the name "Sandy" too!(sorry to all of my friends named Sandy! You don't mind if I call you something else going forward, right??)
Now, here is what I wish I hadn't learned:
1. Those in the "I-never-lost-my-power-but-can-sit-up-here-on-my-soap-box-and-preach-about-how-you're-overreacting!" population suck. Royally. I imagine these are also the same people that walk by homeless folks on the street and don't bat an eye (while chowing down on their 12" sub all the while their subs overflowing lettuce falls to the floor hitting the aforementioned homeless lad in the head!)
2. People that you rarely hear from suddenly appear and are genuinely concerned for your well-being confirming they are still worth having in your life... that whole "quality over quantity" thing again.
3. A toilet seat can reach sub-zero temperature's when a house is unheated making my bladder control one to be envied. Who says you can't hold your pee after having a kid or two?! Try having a hurricane and see how quickly that changes!
While all this was going on, my family and I were camped out on a mattress in the middle of the living room floor so we could be as close as humanly possibly to the fire place without actually being in it. I will admit I enjoyed the closeness and being able to get some much needed bonding time with the hubby and kidlets, I just wish it had been under different circumstances... and in Fiji! Anyhow, I will be the first to admit I was fortunate and am fully aware I could have had it much, much worse. My heart breaks for those that lost everything, it truly does. The Jersey shore will forever be changed and the destruction to NYC is sickening, it really does put things into perspective and make you count your blessings! I, for one, know that even when I was freezing my giant arse off and cursing JCP&L, I never took for granted the fact that my two beautiful girls were safe and sound and my hubby was by our side through it all! In the grand scheme of things, we really did make out okay... in fact, we made out pretty darn great!
Until later...
1. I like cereal with milk more than I dislike lactose intolerance.
2. With enough wine and/or vodka, you tend to forget you don't have electricity... and after the third drink in, you act as your own personal heater. Win-win!
3. Electric companies can be both your worst enemy and your most favorite thing in the world... simultaneously. Kind of like your period (<-any woman reading this will know what I am talking about and any guy reading this just inadvertantly *shuddered*!)
4. I hate hurricanes. Like, really 'hate' in all senses of the word. In fact, I now hate the name "Sandy" too!(sorry to all of my friends named Sandy! You don't mind if I call you something else going forward, right??)
Now, here is what I wish I hadn't learned:
1. Those in the "I-never-lost-my-power-but-can-sit-up-here-on-my-soap-box-and-preach-about-how-you're-overreacting!" population suck. Royally. I imagine these are also the same people that walk by homeless folks on the street and don't bat an eye (while chowing down on their 12" sub all the while their subs overflowing lettuce falls to the floor hitting the aforementioned homeless lad in the head!)
2. People that you rarely hear from suddenly appear and are genuinely concerned for your well-being confirming they are still worth having in your life... that whole "quality over quantity" thing again.
3. A toilet seat can reach sub-zero temperature's when a house is unheated making my bladder control one to be envied. Who says you can't hold your pee after having a kid or two?! Try having a hurricane and see how quickly that changes!
While all this was going on, my family and I were camped out on a mattress in the middle of the living room floor so we could be as close as humanly possibly to the fire place without actually being in it. I will admit I enjoyed the closeness and being able to get some much needed bonding time with the hubby and kidlets, I just wish it had been under different circumstances... and in Fiji! Anyhow, I will be the first to admit I was fortunate and am fully aware I could have had it much, much worse. My heart breaks for those that lost everything, it truly does. The Jersey shore will forever be changed and the destruction to NYC is sickening, it really does put things into perspective and make you count your blessings! I, for one, know that even when I was freezing my giant arse off and cursing JCP&L, I never took for granted the fact that my two beautiful girls were safe and sound and my hubby was by our side through it all! In the grand scheme of things, we really did make out okay... in fact, we made out pretty darn great!
Until later...
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| Survival Kit 2012 |
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| Our bedroom for 9 days! |
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| Our view each evening after the sun went down... |
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| All is right with the world just as long as the Keurig is working! |
Friday, October 26, 2012
Home is where the crazy is?
It feels every time I turn the news on or pick up a newspaper there is yet another horrendous crime that has taken place. From child abduction, to nannies gone crazy killing the kids they're left to watch, to little girls being murdered for their bike... it really makes me wonder if this world is a safe place for my own children and quite honestly, I am leaning towards no. No, it is not. The thought that I have to be concerned for my children's well-being day in and day out breaks my heart beyond belief and is exhausting.
What has happened over the last twenty years or so that has caused such a corrupt world? Where did we go wrong? Is it the whole nature vs. nurture theory? Can these people be changed or should they all be eliminated altogether (if so, where do I apply to help handle this problem?!)? Is it some sort of greater plan to control population? These are all questions that flood my mind and really make me question humanity as a whole. Just when I am sickened by the thought process these animals (<-and, by no means do I mean to intend to offend the animal community so you can relax now PETA!) must have and how demented they really must be to carry out these disgusting thoughts, I then realize that these barbarians had to be raised somewhere and by someone, right? . How does a parent not notice their child is concocting such an evil plan (eg. Trench Coat mafia!)? Are you that oblivious to it or, and even more sad, do you just not care? I really believe there are far too many parents (<- I use this term very loosely as they most certainly do not deserve to be categorized equally as those that genuinely do parent their child(ren)!) that rely on others to raise their kid(s) for them. They plop their kids in front of a TV for umpteen hours a day until they are old enough for school and then they send them off to school with zero foundation on morals and expect underpaid teachers to instill these values in them. Once they are no longer in school, they are then tossed into mainstream society and expected to live amongst those that actually had parents that cared about them and taught them right from wrong. It is disgusting and should be stopped.
There should be a mandatory test given to all people that reproduce.. or at the very least a 'Child Rearing: 101' manual for them to read! Any moron can have a kid and, unfortunately, most do! I was a Psych major through college so I get the whole spectrum of psychological disorders that may result in negative behaviors and/or being socially inept. However, I also understand if you pay a half an ounce of attention to your child, you *should* notice that he/she is displaying behaviors that are questionable and may need to be evaluated and then treated accordingly. For example, if Dahmer's parents had noticed that he was spending his spare time tormenting and sacrificing animals, he could have been stopped earlier on and possibly even institutionalized sparing the lives of those he killed. My point is: I am a firm believer that nurture, or lack thereof, has as much, if not more, to do with how a child turns out as an adult.
I am not one to not "practice what I preach" so I will assure you that I reprimand my children when they treat others with any degree of disrespect and/or act inappropriately as their behavior is a direct result of my parenting. No questions asked. When you embarrass yourself, you are embarrassing me and demonstrating an area that I lacked in my parenting skills. I accept full accountability in my children's behavior and you better believe if I catch my kid hurting any other living thing, there will be hell to pay for it. Nowadays, there are far too many parents that are in complete denial or prefer to turn the other cheek to avoid having to actually deal with an issue... these parents need to be penalized for doing so because that little maniac you are "raising" has to share this world with my kid and I actually care about my kids.
Overall, there is something clearly wrong with these people that end up doing such disturbing things, that is a given. The problem is these adults were once children who never received the mental help/support/treatment they needed and it escalated into something much more sinister. All I can say is, I consider myself pretty "normal" (<-whatever that really means anyways..) but if something were to happen to my children because of someone else sucking as a parent, I can promise you I will make Dahmner look like a saint as I will go buck arse crazy on the culprit that harmed my child. You know why? That is how I was raised. ;-)
Until later...
What has happened over the last twenty years or so that has caused such a corrupt world? Where did we go wrong? Is it the whole nature vs. nurture theory? Can these people be changed or should they all be eliminated altogether (if so, where do I apply to help handle this problem?!)? Is it some sort of greater plan to control population? These are all questions that flood my mind and really make me question humanity as a whole. Just when I am sickened by the thought process these animals (<-and, by no means do I mean to intend to offend the animal community so you can relax now PETA!) must have and how demented they really must be to carry out these disgusting thoughts, I then realize that these barbarians had to be raised somewhere and by someone, right? . How does a parent not notice their child is concocting such an evil plan (eg. Trench Coat mafia!)? Are you that oblivious to it or, and even more sad, do you just not care? I really believe there are far too many parents (<- I use this term very loosely as they most certainly do not deserve to be categorized equally as those that genuinely do parent their child(ren)!) that rely on others to raise their kid(s) for them. They plop their kids in front of a TV for umpteen hours a day until they are old enough for school and then they send them off to school with zero foundation on morals and expect underpaid teachers to instill these values in them. Once they are no longer in school, they are then tossed into mainstream society and expected to live amongst those that actually had parents that cared about them and taught them right from wrong. It is disgusting and should be stopped.
There should be a mandatory test given to all people that reproduce.. or at the very least a 'Child Rearing: 101' manual for them to read! Any moron can have a kid and, unfortunately, most do! I was a Psych major through college so I get the whole spectrum of psychological disorders that may result in negative behaviors and/or being socially inept. However, I also understand if you pay a half an ounce of attention to your child, you *should* notice that he/she is displaying behaviors that are questionable and may need to be evaluated and then treated accordingly. For example, if Dahmer's parents had noticed that he was spending his spare time tormenting and sacrificing animals, he could have been stopped earlier on and possibly even institutionalized sparing the lives of those he killed. My point is: I am a firm believer that nurture, or lack thereof, has as much, if not more, to do with how a child turns out as an adult.
I am not one to not "practice what I preach" so I will assure you that I reprimand my children when they treat others with any degree of disrespect and/or act inappropriately as their behavior is a direct result of my parenting. No questions asked. When you embarrass yourself, you are embarrassing me and demonstrating an area that I lacked in my parenting skills. I accept full accountability in my children's behavior and you better believe if I catch my kid hurting any other living thing, there will be hell to pay for it. Nowadays, there are far too many parents that are in complete denial or prefer to turn the other cheek to avoid having to actually deal with an issue... these parents need to be penalized for doing so because that little maniac you are "raising" has to share this world with my kid and I actually care about my kids.
Overall, there is something clearly wrong with these people that end up doing such disturbing things, that is a given. The problem is these adults were once children who never received the mental help/support/treatment they needed and it escalated into something much more sinister. All I can say is, I consider myself pretty "normal" (<-whatever that really means anyways..) but if something were to happen to my children because of someone else sucking as a parent, I can promise you I will make Dahmner look like a saint as I will go buck arse crazy on the culprit that harmed my child. You know why? That is how I was raised. ;-)
Until later...
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Biology is so overrated...
After writing my post about bullying, I felt a sense of relief and found the overall experience to be rather therapeutic. I felt 'freed' in some bizarre way, it was both refreshing...and long overdue. Some people meditate, some turn to the gym, and then there are those that resort to other, (less physically exhausting!) means to gain inner peace.. and those people, well, we call them bloggers. I am one of those... and loving every second of it! On that note...
On the way to work this morning, the Dixie Chicks song "Not Ready to Make Nice" came on and while I was singing away (and making quite the spectacle of myself but far too into the song to actually care!), my mind began to wander and GD popped into my head (this may have been the third time in the last six years he has come to mind so these occurrences are few and far between... just the way I prefer them!). For the record, I don't the timing of this was just a sheer coincidence...
Let me provide a bit of background for those that aren't too familiar with my family dynamic: "GD" is my biological father (<- that is a term that literally pains me to write because he so does not deserve the "f-word"... well, not that "f-word" anyhow..). GD and my mom were married for nine years and from that relationship me and my younger sister, Katie, were born. Mom fought tooth and nail to make that relationship work and it took all of nine years before she finally realized she was beating a dead horse (well, maybe not dead per say but definitely drunk and verbally abusive horse!) and had to get out. Mom got the courage to finally up and leave and start anew when I was 8 1/2 years old at which point we moved back to NJ as a family of three. Fast forward a year or so and Mom met Dad (my father, Rich) and he took us in as his own and showed us what a loving relationship is supposed to look like and gave us stability, security, and above all, a true father.
I never felt anything less than loved, wanted, and accepted by my real dad (Rich). I had an incredibly wonderful childhood and he set the bar exceptionally high for the man I was to marry. I learned how to love myself, I learned I was worth loving, and I learned what a real man is... someone that stands up and accepts responsibility even when the responsibility isn't his to take on. He is the best father I could have ever hoped for and he is the grandfather that every child should be so lucky to have. I would not change one, single thing about him. He truly is the prototype for what every man should strive to be and I feel blessed to have him in my life.
Having said that, I am not going to lie and say I was the perfect child. I had a lot of confusion, uncertainty, and even some anger from what GD had done (or hadn't done!). The fact that my dad didn't beat me senseless is still something I will never understand as I want to beat me senseless when I think about how I acted out at different times while growing up. Oh, the things I would have done to me. Argh. Anyhow, I shall digress...
They always say "hindsight is 20/20" and my case is no different... I can now look back and everything makes complete sense. As I matured, I developed a greater sense of respect for my Dad (Rich) because he stood by me through it all while others, including GD (aka Bio Dad) were no where to be found. However, I didn't always see things so clearly. If fact, for a while, things were pretty darn foggy...
From 8 1/2 years until about fourteen, I could not understand how someone could decide to have children (Katie and I are not his only children) and then simply abandon them. There were questions left unanswered that just ate away at me. If a parent leaves a child, does that make something wrong with the kid(s) or the parent that left them? How can someone be biologically connected to another living being and simply just walk away? What did I do wrong? Why doesn't he want me? Etc..
For a good part of my childhood, I blamed myself for what GD had done to us. I couldn't understand why he didn't think we were worth chasing and I was convinced there was something innately wrong with me... I mean, how else could a "father" do that to a small child? I know the mere thought of being away from my children for any extended period of time makes me cringe and feel overwhelmingly anxious. I physically cannot do it and it still puzzles me as to how someone else found it so very easy to do.These questions burdened me and I truly think they contributed to some of the bullying I later endured. I began to question my self-worth and my self-esteem took a nose dive... creating the ideal situation for a bully to prey on.
However, the older I got and the more I was able to fully understand GD as a person (getting a degree in Psychology helped too!), I began to see just how corrupt his mind was. It was a monumental relief to finally learn that growing up without his love, affection (and zero effort to see and/or make contact with me!) wasn't a punishment for something I had done (or didn't do), it was indicative there were far more serious issues with him. I wasn't defective and I wasn't abandoned because I was inadequate. The fact is, I was a vulnerable kid that was thrust into the harsh reality that the family dynamic you are born into isn't necessarily the family you are meant to be. Family is not defined by those you are biologically related to. Family is defined by those that you are connected to by heart, soul, and genuine love. It took a long time and many years to fully understand this and through it all, my real family was right by my side.
I guess my point to this entire post is that I have learned that everything does happen for a reason even if it makes absolutely no sense while you are enduring it. There is a greater plan for all of us and you have to have faith that it will work out the way it is meant to be, which more often than not, much different than how you thought it would be. GD may have contributed towards making me (I am still holding out hope that my theory of either stork delivery or immaculate conception proves true!) but he had zero to do with "making me". You are made into the person you are meant to become by those you surround yourself with, blood or not.
When it is all said and done, I look back and realize it wasn't just my Mom that got a fairytale happy ending with an incredibly amazing man, Katie and I got one too! The best part is, the story isn't over and it seems to keep getting better and better...
Until later..
On the way to work this morning, the Dixie Chicks song "Not Ready to Make Nice" came on and while I was singing away (and making quite the spectacle of myself but far too into the song to actually care!), my mind began to wander and GD popped into my head (this may have been the third time in the last six years he has come to mind so these occurrences are few and far between... just the way I prefer them!). For the record, I don't the timing of this was just a sheer coincidence...
Let me provide a bit of background for those that aren't too familiar with my family dynamic: "GD" is my biological father (<- that is a term that literally pains me to write because he so does not deserve the "f-word"... well, not that "f-word" anyhow..). GD and my mom were married for nine years and from that relationship me and my younger sister, Katie, were born. Mom fought tooth and nail to make that relationship work and it took all of nine years before she finally realized she was beating a dead horse (well, maybe not dead per say but definitely drunk and verbally abusive horse!) and had to get out. Mom got the courage to finally up and leave and start anew when I was 8 1/2 years old at which point we moved back to NJ as a family of three. Fast forward a year or so and Mom met Dad (my father, Rich) and he took us in as his own and showed us what a loving relationship is supposed to look like and gave us stability, security, and above all, a true father.
I never felt anything less than loved, wanted, and accepted by my real dad (Rich). I had an incredibly wonderful childhood and he set the bar exceptionally high for the man I was to marry. I learned how to love myself, I learned I was worth loving, and I learned what a real man is... someone that stands up and accepts responsibility even when the responsibility isn't his to take on. He is the best father I could have ever hoped for and he is the grandfather that every child should be so lucky to have. I would not change one, single thing about him. He truly is the prototype for what every man should strive to be and I feel blessed to have him in my life.
Having said that, I am not going to lie and say I was the perfect child. I had a lot of confusion, uncertainty, and even some anger from what GD had done (or hadn't done!). The fact that my dad didn't beat me senseless is still something I will never understand as I want to beat me senseless when I think about how I acted out at different times while growing up. Oh, the things I would have done to me. Argh. Anyhow, I shall digress...
They always say "hindsight is 20/20" and my case is no different... I can now look back and everything makes complete sense. As I matured, I developed a greater sense of respect for my Dad (Rich) because he stood by me through it all while others, including GD (aka Bio Dad) were no where to be found. However, I didn't always see things so clearly. If fact, for a while, things were pretty darn foggy...
From 8 1/2 years until about fourteen, I could not understand how someone could decide to have children (Katie and I are not his only children) and then simply abandon them. There were questions left unanswered that just ate away at me. If a parent leaves a child, does that make something wrong with the kid(s) or the parent that left them? How can someone be biologically connected to another living being and simply just walk away? What did I do wrong? Why doesn't he want me? Etc..
For a good part of my childhood, I blamed myself for what GD had done to us. I couldn't understand why he didn't think we were worth chasing and I was convinced there was something innately wrong with me... I mean, how else could a "father" do that to a small child? I know the mere thought of being away from my children for any extended period of time makes me cringe and feel overwhelmingly anxious. I physically cannot do it and it still puzzles me as to how someone else found it so very easy to do.These questions burdened me and I truly think they contributed to some of the bullying I later endured. I began to question my self-worth and my self-esteem took a nose dive... creating the ideal situation for a bully to prey on.
However, the older I got and the more I was able to fully understand GD as a person (getting a degree in Psychology helped too!), I began to see just how corrupt his mind was. It was a monumental relief to finally learn that growing up without his love, affection (and zero effort to see and/or make contact with me!) wasn't a punishment for something I had done (or didn't do), it was indicative there were far more serious issues with him. I wasn't defective and I wasn't abandoned because I was inadequate. The fact is, I was a vulnerable kid that was thrust into the harsh reality that the family dynamic you are born into isn't necessarily the family you are meant to be. Family is not defined by those you are biologically related to. Family is defined by those that you are connected to by heart, soul, and genuine love. It took a long time and many years to fully understand this and through it all, my real family was right by my side.
I guess my point to this entire post is that I have learned that everything does happen for a reason even if it makes absolutely no sense while you are enduring it. There is a greater plan for all of us and you have to have faith that it will work out the way it is meant to be, which more often than not, much different than how you thought it would be. GD may have contributed towards making me (I am still holding out hope that my theory of either stork delivery or immaculate conception proves true!) but he had zero to do with "making me". You are made into the person you are meant to become by those you surround yourself with, blood or not.
Until later..
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Mommy Dearest..
It's been a few days since I last posted but I figured I will try the whole "quality over quantity" approach. going forward.. ;-)
Anyhow, my parents have been staying with us for the last month or so and they leave to return to (god awful) Michigan this Sunday and the mere thought of it makes my stomach knot up... At what point do you not "need your Mommy" any more? Is that something you ever truly outgrow? As a parent to two little girls, I can honestly say I hope not. However, this thought then leads me to question what is considered to be a healthy attachment to your parents versus that of someone that is far too dependent for their own good?
I distinctly remember having a conversation when I was nineteen years old with another woman and telling her that I tell my mother EVERYTHING and that I never finalize any big decisions without first consulting her and this woman looked at me like I had three heads (which, for the record, is much stranger than just having two!). She told me that no child should ever be that dependant on their parent and that they should have the ability to make decisions maturely and responsibly without needing to continuously check in with a parent. To some degree, I can see the point she was attempting to make. Although, I think she could have done it a bit more tactfully and with a bit more consideration (don't worry! I called my Mom and told on her!).
My point is that I don't turn to my Mom because I need her to give me instructions on what to do, I turn to her because I see her as my best friend, someone that fully "gets me", and the person (above all) that has known me the longest (hell! she *made* me!)... it is for this reason, that I value her input, her suggestions (not to be confused with directions), and her advice.I don't call her to ask for permission or to ask what I should do, I call her to get her input on the decision I have already made.. but haven't carried out yet (in most cases). I don't see my relationship with my parents as "too clingy" or "too needy" but I see it as a great blueprint as to how I should raise my own kids (I don't think I came out all *that* bad :-)). Am I the only one out there that still values this closeness with their parents? Perhaps it is a "girl thing" and something that pertains to only mothers and daughters? I have no idea. All I know is, my mother is super close to her mother (and my grandmother is an incredibly poignant, respectable, hardworking, woman so I undoubtedly know why) and I am incredibly close with my own. I can only hope my girls grow to have the same type of relationship with me.
People say I smile too much, I giggle more than most, and I am always very chipper and I genuinely believe it is a result of always knowing no burden is ever truly my own to be had. My mom is my support system, my back bone if you will. When things get too stressful, it is to her that I turn and am able to vent, cry, laugh, whatever... and never is there any judgment, criticism, or guilt for doing so. How many people can say they have that with another being (aside from your spouse, of course!)?? From my experience, not many.
So, if you see me walking by and I have a huge smile plastered on my face, please know it is not due to being delirious, dumb, oblivious, or high; it is because I was raised by an incredibly loving mother (and father!) and I have every reason for doing so!
Anyhow, my parents have been staying with us for the last month or so and they leave to return to (god awful) Michigan this Sunday and the mere thought of it makes my stomach knot up... At what point do you not "need your Mommy" any more? Is that something you ever truly outgrow? As a parent to two little girls, I can honestly say I hope not. However, this thought then leads me to question what is considered to be a healthy attachment to your parents versus that of someone that is far too dependent for their own good?
I distinctly remember having a conversation when I was nineteen years old with another woman and telling her that I tell my mother EVERYTHING and that I never finalize any big decisions without first consulting her and this woman looked at me like I had three heads (which, for the record, is much stranger than just having two!). She told me that no child should ever be that dependant on their parent and that they should have the ability to make decisions maturely and responsibly without needing to continuously check in with a parent. To some degree, I can see the point she was attempting to make. Although, I think she could have done it a bit more tactfully and with a bit more consideration (don't worry! I called my Mom and told on her!).
My point is that I don't turn to my Mom because I need her to give me instructions on what to do, I turn to her because I see her as my best friend, someone that fully "gets me", and the person (above all) that has known me the longest (hell! she *made* me!)... it is for this reason, that I value her input, her suggestions (not to be confused with directions), and her advice.I don't call her to ask for permission or to ask what I should do, I call her to get her input on the decision I have already made.. but haven't carried out yet (in most cases). I don't see my relationship with my parents as "too clingy" or "too needy" but I see it as a great blueprint as to how I should raise my own kids (I don't think I came out all *that* bad :-)). Am I the only one out there that still values this closeness with their parents? Perhaps it is a "girl thing" and something that pertains to only mothers and daughters? I have no idea. All I know is, my mother is super close to her mother (and my grandmother is an incredibly poignant, respectable, hardworking, woman so I undoubtedly know why) and I am incredibly close with my own. I can only hope my girls grow to have the same type of relationship with me.
People say I smile too much, I giggle more than most, and I am always very chipper and I genuinely believe it is a result of always knowing no burden is ever truly my own to be had. My mom is my support system, my back bone if you will. When things get too stressful, it is to her that I turn and am able to vent, cry, laugh, whatever... and never is there any judgment, criticism, or guilt for doing so. How many people can say they have that with another being (aside from your spouse, of course!)?? From my experience, not many.
So, if you see me walking by and I have a huge smile plastered on my face, please know it is not due to being delirious, dumb, oblivious, or high; it is because I was raised by an incredibly loving mother (and father!) and I have every reason for doing so!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Not in vain.
After some serious consideration and an intense debate with myself as to whether or not I wanted to discuss this topic and revisit some deeply embedded scars (that still, after fourteen years, cause me to involuntarily cringe at the mere thought), I came to realize this something worth sharing... worth putting a face on. My experience with this particular topic impacted my life so greatly that I have to speak out, I have to reassure those going through the very same things I did, that there will be a tomorrow and things *will* get better. Even if this only reaches one, single person and helps them to find the strength to make it through the day, hour, minute....then I feel the torment, heartache, and utter desperation I endured for nearly six years will not have been in vain.
Amanda Todd. Many of you have heard of her and for those of you that have not, I am sure will know her story in due time. Unfortunately, "her story" isn't just hers to be had (see link below). Statistically speaking, each and every one of us either knows someone and/or has been a victim of bullying firsthand. I am the latter.
Point blank: bullying has continued to grow in both numbers and severity and nothing is being done to stop it. Oh wait! There are things being done to stop it: kids are killing themselves, cutting themselves, bringing weapons to school, and turning to drugs and alcohol in desperate attempts to make it to stop. Sooo...those that are already suffering are the ones that are being penalized for the destructive actions of others? Any one else out there see anything wrong with this? It has become much easier to hide behind a screen name from the comforts of your own home and harass someone and social media has become a open outlet to those looking to do horrible things to others. In other words, if you want to be a giant coward, the Internet is the way to go!
My personal experience began in the girls locker room during the end of my eighth grade year when I was forcefully shoved into a locker from behind and directly into a jagged piece of metal that sliced open my chin. Why was I shoved? I have no earthly idea. I hardly knew the girl that did it, I didn't know it was about to happen, and I had no way of preventing it from happening. Over the next several years, I was cornered in a phone booth and attacked, jumped in the main gathering area of the high school and assaulted (repeatedly!), followed home on my school bus and jumped in the middle of the street by four girls (that were *much* larger and older than I was), had my head slammed down into my desk in Art class and a bulk of my hair ripped out of my head to the point of bleeding (I mastered the comb over until the hair grew back!), punched in the face while a huge crowd cheered the girl on in a parking lot, thrown into a set of lockers (don't worry though, my head stopped the rest of my body from hitting the metal too hard!), kicked in the shin while walking up a set of stairs simply because I was there (clearly, I missed the memo I wasn't allowed to attend the homecoming football game),.... need I go on???
The point is, this needs to stop. No one should go to school fearing for their life... literally fearing they may not make it home that day. No child/teen should question what they did to deserve this, why they aren't good enough, and contemplate if it is worth going on...but they do and in some cases, such as Amanda's, they truly feel their only way of finding relief from the constant anguish is to make the ultimate sacrifice. It isn't fair, it is sickening. If someone is bullying another person, they need to face serious consequences. There is no real punishment in place, nothing for these people (and I use that term loosely when referring to a bully) to fear as a consequence for this unacceptable behavior. It really needs to be "an eye for an eye", if you will.
In hindsight, I attribute the bullying I experienced to several factors: poor home life for the bully, inadequate parenting of the bully, lack of morals/values on the bully's behalf, and possibly downright jealously. However, it has taken well over a decade to fully understand that. While I was in the midst of this nightmare, I questioned every fiber of my being. As a person, you can't justify what you are being put through and begin to accept that you quite possibly deserve it. It breaks you as a person, as a human being even. It causes you to be in a constant state of anxiety, to be very jumpy, and to continuously check your every move. Once you have gotten past the initial stage of shock, you slip into the "numb phase"... you develop the ability to simply not feel anything... you don't care about anything, any one, or what the future holds because you are convinced you won't make it to have a future anyways so why does it matter anyhow?? You lose friends, you become a loner, you become withdrrawn, and lose the ability to fully trust anyone. The only thing that got me through this experience was my secure home, my loving parents, and my best friend. Without them, I am not sure (nor do I care to to think about it!) where I would have ultimately ended up.
Today, I am in a great place with an incredibly family and homelife, but I would be lying if I didn't find peace in knowing that karma came full circle. Each of those that tormented me have had to suffer for their actions against me. Many of them never completed schooling, some of them got into really negative relationships resulting in less than ideal outcomes, and most of them have been involved with some serious legal issues. Does it make me a bad person that I find relief in their outcomes? I don't think so. I simply feel it reinforces my faith and demonstartes that "God won't lead you to anything He won't see you through".
Now, back to what is fair punishment to those that do this to others? I most certainly feel there should be a 'three strike" rule. If you are harassing and/or bullying another student in school, you should be waterboarded...okay, not really (well, maybe.) but you should be expelled and forced to do both community service and allowed to receive your GED. Realistically, if someone is spending their academic career doing such negative things to others, they are not there to learn and thus should not be permitted to receive the same education as those that are there for the right reasons. Bullies are distracting, a waste of tax payers money, and nothing more than a blemish in the school-aged population. I would apologize for feeling this way, but I would be lying if I did. I have seen the impact this negative behavior has on others and it is unforgivable.
I was raised to know right from wrong. I know not to deliberately hurt others, you just don't do it. I was raised to know that others have feelings and I was taught to be both autonomous and empathetic. These are all traits that any decent parent teaches their children. These are traits that make a child grow into a loving, caring, and productive citizen amongst our society. If you don't teach/demonstrate these things, than these children become bullies. I have seen bullies of all types and I still see them as an adult from grocey stores to the workplace. They are unable to be happy when good things happen to other people, they don't appreciate seeing people advance, and they are resentful when others are recognized for their accomplishments. However, rather than being angry at them, I pity them. They are poor excuses for human beings and they will never know true happinesss... how much sadder does it get than that?!
Amanda Todd's tormenters are still bullying her on websites and she is no longer here to defend herself. These morons need to be charged with harassment and I think the idiot that posted her naked picture as his default pic needs to be charged with murder. If this is taken as seriously as it needs to be, there are many lives that will be spared and maybe, just maybe, those that may have chosen bullying as a way of demanding attention and to establish their self-worth may opt to do something a bit more constructive and positive with their lives. Overall, it is a win-win situation for all involved.
It is so gut wrenchng to know that Amanda felt her only way out was to end it all at only fifteen years of age, she had her whole life ahead of her and if given the chance could have done great things but she was robbed of that chance. Isn't robbery a crime? If so, then someone needs to pay for this. The person that did this to her needs to be held accountable. She is no longer here to fight for this cause, but I am and I will.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Liger-worthy.
After watching a good portion of the VP debate last night, I am thoroughly convinced I NEED to run for president next time around... well, that and that Biden's dentist needs to questioned as to what the h*ll he was thinking by letting that poor man leave his office with those crazy chompers! I couldn't help but laugh every time he opened his mouth... anyhow, I shall digress..
So, the family and I have decided to get a cat (and by "the family" I mean "me") and I have been doing some research on the best breed to get (I know, I know..."save a life and get a rescue"..blah blah blah) and we (aka "I") have narrowed it down to a Savannah cat. They are the most dog-like in personality minus all the annoying doggie habits... I get to have my cake and eat it too! I contacted what appeared to be a legitimate breeder (from Uganda that only required my social security number and for me to wire him some emergency funds to help his poor uncle escape from jail over there...what harm is there in that??) and he and I went back and forth until I started noticing 'red flags' (eg. his spelling became increasingly sloppy <- and not "drunk sloppy like mine becomes after one too many drinks" but like "stupid sloppy", he insisted on sending funds to hold the kitten via Money Gram not PayPal, etc.). Ultimately, I called his bluff. In fact, I threatened to report his arse to the FBI for being such a d-bag! I was so mad.
Overall, it isn't a huge deal I suppose as I didn't disclose any personal info that would jeopardize my identity and/or personal accounts. However, it really bothered me that there are such jerks out there that waste their time by doing this and take advantage of the vulnerable, less skeptical portion of the population. My solution to this you ask? Well, I plan to upgrade my Savannah to a rabid Liger and train it to attack and then I am going to hunt this moron down and let Lenny (my Liger) go to town on him! Ugh.
Anyhow, after today's series of events, I think I need a drink.. and to write this buttmunch a sloppy email of my very own!
Until later..
 |
| Do I remind you of anyone? |
So, the family and I have decided to get a cat (and by "the family" I mean "me") and I have been doing some research on the best breed to get (I know, I know..."save a life and get a rescue"..blah blah blah) and we (aka "I") have narrowed it down to a Savannah cat. They are the most dog-like in personality minus all the annoying doggie habits... I get to have my cake and eat it too! I contacted what appeared to be a legitimate breeder (from Uganda that only required my social security number and for me to wire him some emergency funds to help his poor uncle escape from jail over there...what harm is there in that??) and he and I went back and forth until I started noticing 'red flags' (eg. his spelling became increasingly sloppy <- and not "drunk sloppy like mine becomes after one too many drinks" but like "stupid sloppy", he insisted on sending funds to hold the kitten via Money Gram not PayPal, etc.). Ultimately, I called his bluff. In fact, I threatened to report his arse to the FBI for being such a d-bag! I was so mad.
Overall, it isn't a huge deal I suppose as I didn't disclose any personal info that would jeopardize my identity and/or personal accounts. However, it really bothered me that there are such jerks out there that waste their time by doing this and take advantage of the vulnerable, less skeptical portion of the population. My solution to this you ask? Well, I plan to upgrade my Savannah to a rabid Liger and train it to attack and then I am going to hunt this moron down and let Lenny (my Liger) go to town on him! Ugh.
 |
| Meow. |
Until later..
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Keli for President!
For some never-to-be-fully understood reason, I decided to break down what our monthly expenses are for child care (2 kids under five years of age) and for property taxes on two properties (in what I am convinced is THE most highly taxed county in the entire world!) each month. *insert drum roll here (or if you are me and actually have to pay this absurd amount on a monthly basis, insert appropriate dry heave here):
We pay $3,348 in tuition and property taxes *EACH* month. This is absurd....and nauseating. Now, mind you, this is just property taxes (exclusive of a mortgage) and for schooling (not full-time), for two small children. After seeing this (and immediately thereafter attempting to make myself un-see it), I got to thinking:
How is the "typical middle class" American family supposed to ever get ahead? Simply put: you can't. There is no earthly way to live in a decent-sized home, drive a modest vehicle, pay your taxes, and put your children in school without both parents working full-time and having to make sacrifices. My husband and I don't live extravagantly but we do live comfortably and there is zero chance we could make ends meet if we didn't have the support of our family and two steady jobs. What do people do that don't have these resources? How do they get by? It infuriates me each time I go to the grocery store and pay $5 per case of water and then still receive a quarterly bill for $432 for running water in our home that isn't "safe enough for my children to drink". This entire economical situation is the result of sloppy management and poor planning. It is the result of greed, gluttony, and outright selfishness. No one thought about the longterm effects, and even worse, no one thought about those that were going to be impacted by this when this whole thing boiled over. So, here we are with the mess *they* made and we are the ones stuck cleaning it up.
I am not sure how we got to this point as the "American dream" has become nothing more than a figment of the imagination since no one can seem to achieve it without having to do so either fraudulently and/or with massive debt to accompany it (which, in all honesty, sounds more like a nightmare than a dream anyhow!). To be frank, I could care less who wins this upcoming election because this country is in such a mess that no one person, President, or Wizard could fix it in four years anyways...I just want us to get on a more positive path so that twenty years from now, when my kids are entering "the real world", they can actually reap the rewards of their hard work. Our current state is sad, pitiful even. However, I say "kudos!" to those that are actually working hard, contributing to a better tomorrow, and keeping afloat during this crisis. If nothing changes in the next four years, than I am running for Office. My policy is this:
1. The harder you work, the less taxes you pay (if you contribute towards building, both literally and figuratively, a better country, you should be rewarded with some sort of incentive...or at the very least, a decent tax write-off)
2. The higher your grade, the more grants you receive for college (the more educated America becomes the less likely we will continue on the same, negative path)
3. Marry whom ever you like, albeit man or woman, as long as you are hardworking, law abiding citizens.
4. All pedophiles are eliminated. Choice of death determined by the parents of the child that was harmed.
5. Teachers get paid more, CEO's get paid less.
6. Health care for all... everyone must pay according to their family size (if you have 20 kids, you should have a higher premium than a family of three)
7. If you are on welfare and continue to get pregnant/reproduce and/or are found to be doing drugs while on it, your GA will be terminated.
8. Marijuana should be legalized...and taxed.
9. Renters should pay property taxes, not just homeowners (renters utilize just as many resources- schools, parks, police officers, etc.- as homeowners do!)
That's about it. Who's in??? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a campaign to start working on... :-P
We pay $3,348 in tuition and property taxes *EACH* month. This is absurd....and nauseating. Now, mind you, this is just property taxes (exclusive of a mortgage) and for schooling (not full-time), for two small children. After seeing this (and immediately thereafter attempting to make myself un-see it), I got to thinking:
How is the "typical middle class" American family supposed to ever get ahead? Simply put: you can't. There is no earthly way to live in a decent-sized home, drive a modest vehicle, pay your taxes, and put your children in school without both parents working full-time and having to make sacrifices. My husband and I don't live extravagantly but we do live comfortably and there is zero chance we could make ends meet if we didn't have the support of our family and two steady jobs. What do people do that don't have these resources? How do they get by? It infuriates me each time I go to the grocery store and pay $5 per case of water and then still receive a quarterly bill for $432 for running water in our home that isn't "safe enough for my children to drink". This entire economical situation is the result of sloppy management and poor planning. It is the result of greed, gluttony, and outright selfishness. No one thought about the longterm effects, and even worse, no one thought about those that were going to be impacted by this when this whole thing boiled over. So, here we are with the mess *they* made and we are the ones stuck cleaning it up.
I am not sure how we got to this point as the "American dream" has become nothing more than a figment of the imagination since no one can seem to achieve it without having to do so either fraudulently and/or with massive debt to accompany it (which, in all honesty, sounds more like a nightmare than a dream anyhow!). To be frank, I could care less who wins this upcoming election because this country is in such a mess that no one person, President, or Wizard could fix it in four years anyways...I just want us to get on a more positive path so that twenty years from now, when my kids are entering "the real world", they can actually reap the rewards of their hard work. Our current state is sad, pitiful even. However, I say "kudos!" to those that are actually working hard, contributing to a better tomorrow, and keeping afloat during this crisis. If nothing changes in the next four years, than I am running for Office. My policy is this:
1. The harder you work, the less taxes you pay (if you contribute towards building, both literally and figuratively, a better country, you should be rewarded with some sort of incentive...or at the very least, a decent tax write-off)
2. The higher your grade, the more grants you receive for college (the more educated America becomes the less likely we will continue on the same, negative path)
3. Marry whom ever you like, albeit man or woman, as long as you are hardworking, law abiding citizens.
4. All pedophiles are eliminated. Choice of death determined by the parents of the child that was harmed.
5. Teachers get paid more, CEO's get paid less.
6. Health care for all... everyone must pay according to their family size (if you have 20 kids, you should have a higher premium than a family of three)
7. If you are on welfare and continue to get pregnant/reproduce and/or are found to be doing drugs while on it, your GA will be terminated.
8. Marijuana should be legalized...and taxed.
9. Renters should pay property taxes, not just homeowners (renters utilize just as many resources- schools, parks, police officers, etc.- as homeowners do!)
That's about it. Who's in??? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a campaign to start working on... :-P
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
When I grow up...
Sooo... it's been quite some time since I decided to blog (oddly enough I am still 29 years old! *cough cough*) last and I think it is about time to step up my blogging-game. I figure I am too busy to jot down my thoughts, am too frantic to actually remember most of them, so this was the next best thing (you can never be too prepared for that moment when you are 80 years old and wondered what you had for dinner way back on Wednesday, October 10th, 2012... today is the 10th, right?)...Alternatively, I could just do what I have been doing for the last 4+ years and throw tidbits of info, articles, and hair into one giant book for me to "get to later" like I have been doing with my kids baby books (and the award for the "World's Worst Mother goes to...").
I am in a pickle (not literally, although I do love me some gerkin so that wouldn't be the worst thing ever!) as I cannot decide what I want to do "when I grow up" and I have been in my career for a decent stretch up time but am still not certain this is "it". I love my job, I love who I work with, and I love the industry (pharma) I am in but can I see myself doing this twenty years from now (you know, when I turn 49 ;-))? I am not sure. I keep hoping my hubby will land a dream job that pays well enough for me to stop working, hire a personal masseuse named Swen, and travel the world (with my kids in tow, of course... and their nanny!) but I am starting to think that may not happen in the immediate future and I need to find a more likely alternative. Any suggestions? Is there any thing out that that any one that knows me may think I may be any good at? Any one at all? Bueller???
Uh, so back to the drawing board I go...I will sleep on this and get back to you. Until then, I will continue to collect my interesting articles, tidbits of adorable memories, and random hairs to put into my giant book that is still awaitiing some serious organization. I promise one day I will get to it. Really. I will.
Ciao!
I am in a pickle (not literally, although I do love me some gerkin so that wouldn't be the worst thing ever!) as I cannot decide what I want to do "when I grow up" and I have been in my career for a decent stretch up time but am still not certain this is "it". I love my job, I love who I work with, and I love the industry (pharma) I am in but can I see myself doing this twenty years from now (you know, when I turn 49 ;-))? I am not sure. I keep hoping my hubby will land a dream job that pays well enough for me to stop working, hire a personal masseuse named Swen, and travel the world (with my kids in tow, of course... and their nanny!) but I am starting to think that may not happen in the immediate future and I need to find a more likely alternative. Any suggestions? Is there any thing out that that any one that knows me may think I may be any good at? Any one at all? Bueller???
Uh, so back to the drawing board I go...I will sleep on this and get back to you. Until then, I will continue to collect my interesting articles, tidbits of adorable memories, and random hairs to put into my giant book that is still awaitiing some serious organization. I promise one day I will get to it. Really. I will.
Ciao!
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